The Walmart from Hell...

Last Sunday morning Biker Dude went to Walmart.

Normally, he wouldn't be caught dead in Elgin's Walmart, especially on a Sunday. Elgin has the Walmart Charles Manson is scared of.

But Biker Dude needed to buy a lot of stuff. And he needed it to be cheap.

The place was jammed. Biker Dude couldn't turn his head without his chin hitting someone in the face. And he's no Jay Leno. He has patterns pressed into his skin from the shirt buttons of the people who were standing around him. It was that packed.

The place was a high speed frenzy of shopping carts and infants and zombie like adults and people who scare even satan to death. One guy looked like he had his entire body tattooed. Until Biker Dude saw it was just caked on dirt with finger painting done into it.

One guy had a face with about two dozen band-aids plastered all over. Either he was the world's worst shaver, or his face was about to fall apart and he ran out of scotch tape to hold it together. He had a mouth full of toothpicks and skull tattoos all over his arms and wore a necklace made out of chicken bones... with meat still on them!

Shopping was a nightmare.. Screaming crying babies were everywhere and a million people and two million carts were all crammed into just the toilet paper aisle alone! It took Biker Dude an hour just to get to the other end of it where Charmin was on sale... If you look at Biker Dude's arms next time you see him on the trails, you'll see the bite marks where some lady took a chunk out of him when I was reaching for the last package. This lady had fangs too and was wielding a machete. Fire erupted from a drain grate in the floor just as she bit him and she was, fortunately incinerated. At which point, a Pakistani looking version of her -- maybe her husband -- bent down and snorted the ashes like they were cocaine. Unfortunately, the Charmin was incinerated too, and Biker Dude had to settle for Scott Tissue, with Aloe.

Then he went to get some Tupperware and as soon as he poked his head out from the toilet paper aisle, he was run over by twenty toddlers all with pacifiers in their mouths, squirty formula bottles in their hands, and drippy, poopy diapers... trailing behind their mom...

and yes.. she was wearing a poopy diaper too.

She was nursing three infants at a time and brushing her teeth, shaving her armpits, and yanking nose hairs the size of garden hoses out of her nose... yes, her nose.. where else do you get nose hairs..... all while trying to steer a shopping cart around a spill of fly covered apple juice the size of lake Michigan.

Biker Dude managed to get around the spill, or rather through it, by using an O-Cedar broom as an oar and riding on top of his shopping cart.

One of the things he wanted to get was one of those loofa-ey things. Like a spongy loofa-ey thing that you use in the bathtub or the shower. He found a bin of the things near the shampoo section. They were about as big as a softball or a nerf ball.. actually, they could substitute for a nerf ball easily. Anyway, he was about to take one, but as soon as he stuck out his hand, this little kid looking like a miniature Kareem Abdul Jabbar came flying up like he was stealing a rebound, grabbed all of them, and started slam dunking them into the top of the bin. Biker Dude felt like fouling him and grabbing one and heading down court the opposite way, but the kid's mom was standing right there. Her arms were so long, her knuckles dragged on the floor. She was drooling all over the place and wearing a t-shirt that said, "Don't &%$#@ with me."

Biker Dude finally got his loofah thingee after some unintelligible voice called over the intercom that there was maggots in the dumpster behind the building. Mrs 'Don't &%$#@ with me' said "Oh Boy," grabbed little Kareem, and flew, cart and kid and all, to the back of the building.

Finally, somehow, Biker Dude got all the stuff he needed... along with a skeleton that somehow appeared in his cart when he wasn't looking, and mazed his way to the checkout area.

The lines at the checkout were so long, they had port a-potties set up every fifty feet. The problem was, by the time he got to the first port a-potty it had begun to overflow from so many people using it and he had to wade through the stuff. Ick....

The spill was so big that some teenagers were even water skiing through it sending chunks flying and spattering the walls and other customers in line. It's a good thing Biker Dude stood behind this big human beach ball of a guy or he would have gotten spattered too.

Biker Dude finally got to the cash register, which by that time had been so overworked that smoke and sparks were billowing and shooting out of it.. He felt like he was standing in the middle of a steel mill... there was even lava pouring out of it.

Anyway, somehow he made it through... although he now has these bite marks and his hair is now completely white and he has to eat Tums like it's popcorn.. just before he walked out the door, he saw some government looking guys in hazmat suits come in with what looked like an atomic bomb. Please... let them be nuking the place...

He started the car and floored it.

Never again.